In Nigerian universities, a departmental election is a very small thing with very large energy. Manifestos, posters, campaign songs, rumours, alliances — the entire machinery of democratic politics deployed for the position of "Departmental President" whose entire budget is whatever is left from the Xerox levy.
🎭 Characters
- Femi — Presidential candidate who has printed 300 posters for a department of 400 people
- Ngozi — His opponent — who has done nothing except smile and show up, which somehow seems more effective
- Jimoh — The campaign manager whose main strategy is jollof rice distribution
📍 Setting
The department common room on election day. Femi's posters are everywhere. Ngozi's posters are more minimal but strategically placed at eye level near the food corner.
📜 Full Dialogue
Femi: Jimoh! How is the ground looking? Who do the 200 levels support?
Jimoh: Femi, honestly, they support whoever is feeding them today.
Femi: Then feed them! That is what the rice budget is for.
Jimoh: The rice budget was twelve thousand. We spent eight thousand on your posters.
Femi: The posters are important. Visibility! Brand recognition!
Jimoh: Your poster is inside the toilet, Femi. I am telling you right now, no one in that toilet is undecided after reading your manifesto while sitting down.
[Ngozi walks past, simply nodding and smiling at everyone. Students spontaneously wave back.]
Femi: (watching her) What is she doing? She is not even campaigning. She is just… walking.
Jimoh: She has the energy of someone who has already won. That is strategy, Femi.
Femi: That is not a strategy. That is just a smile!
Jimoh: (thoughtfully) Sometimes the smile is the strategy.
Femi: I have a twelve-point manifesto! I have a policy on departmental study groups! I have a proposal for a new locker system!
Jimoh: Femi, nobody in this department is reading a twelve-point manifesto. They want someone who looks calm and has not embarrassed them at a departmental dinner.
Femi: The dinner incident was one time.
Jimoh: You gave a speech for seventeen minutes at a dinner with a fifteen-minute slot and then blamed the DJ for playing music.
Femi: The DJ was wrong to start.
[Election results are announced. Ngozi wins by 60 votes. Femi stands with his posters still in his arms.]
Femi: (quietly, to Jimoh) Was it the dinner?
Jimoh: It was the dinner.
🎬 Acting Tips
- Femi should have the energy of a man who spent too much on posters and knows it.
- Ngozi's silent campaign by just smiling and walking should be genuinely effective-looking.
- Jimoh is the tragic political advisor who sees clearly but cannot stop the ship.
- The dinner speech story should be told by Femi with slight defensiveness and by Jimoh with complete clarity.
📷 Camera Ideas
- Open on a wall covered in Femi's posters — overwhelming visual campaign presence.
- Slow pan to Ngozi's two posters, placed perfectly, minimal and confident.
- Ngozi's walk should be filmed in slow-motion with soft lighting — her energy should feel cinematic.
- Results announcement: tight close-up on Femi's face as the number is read.
🔊 Suggested Sound Effects
- Poster tape sounds
- Election announcement crowd murmur
- Triumphant burst of sound when Ngozi wins
📱 TikTok Caption Ideas
- "She just smiled and won. The smile was the whole strategy. 😂 #CampusPolitics"
- "His poster is inside the toilet and that is a form of outreach 💀"
- "Twelve-point manifesto for a department of 400 people. The ambition. 📋"
- "The dinner incident was one time but it cost him the election 😭"
- "Jimoh saw everything clearly and could do nothing. The Greek tragedy of campaign management."
🔀 Alternative Ending
Alternative ending: Femi contests the results, demands a recount, and discovers he actually won by two votes — the counters had miscounted. He becomes departmental president and gives a twenty-five-minute inauguration speech. The DJ starts playing three minutes in.
Nigerian campus politics is its own universe. If you lived through a departmental election, you have been Femi, Ngozi, or Jimoh at some point. Share this with your department.
